Nothing to do on a Saturday. The worst kind of day is happening today. A day where I spend the whole entire day thinking about why everything is just horrible and confusing. I think about all the things we as a species do to make everything worse for ourselves. We go around attacking each other for reasons minute and modest. We make up rules to keep ourselves in line.
We always put animals down for being non-human and seemingly subordinate, and yet they aren’t the ones bombing and suing each other for ridiculous causes and reasons. They live by instinctual rules set by the laws of nature, we do not. We are consumers who do not produce, we are a species that cannot keep nature from destroying us. We do not think with nature, we think against it and try to find out ways to manipulate it. If anything, we are the subordinate species. We cannot survive without others thinking for us. We always talk about saving Earth, but we aren’t actually doing that, we trying to save ourselves. The Earth doesn’t need saving, we do. We aren’t helping nature, we are helping nature to help us. In the process of surviving, we create the worst kind of machines, the kind to do what we want for us, babysitters at the will of the baby. We are losing our survival skills as our lethargic mindsets step into lead.
I always wonder why I am unhappy. I have a nice home, nice family, good friends, and a pretty laid back lifestyle. Maybe I am unhappy because of those very things. I hate the fact I can’t truly understand life at it’s every aspect. Maybe I am unhappy because I got myself into a hole that’s hard to get out of. For the past few years I’ve only made modest grades in school. Not horrible, but not amazing, and I KNOW I can do amazing. I am always known as the smart kid, and yet I don’t prove it. I make C’s and B’s in certain classes, and even though I am always driven to make A’s and am in almost ALL advanced classes the school has to offer, I always end up not doing it because of my procrastination and lethargic behavior. I hope I can fix this by the end of my high school career. I am in marching band, track, cross country, and go to academic tournaments, so I am pretty busy. Hopefully the colleges will see this and say “Oh! He was really busy, that’s why he never had straight A’s!”
I then think I am unhappy because I have such a horrible time finding a girl who is interested in me. I am a bit of a romantic, so the idea of love has always been attractive to me. I always hope to find the perfect girl for me someday, but I know that will probably never happen. Maybe I was born in the wrong era, every female nowadays just goes for the douchebag ‘bro’ who will treat them like a piece of shit, and any girl who doesn’t is already taken in a long term relationship that won’t end anytime soon. So, for right now I am just going to have to not be obsessed over the relationship aspect of my life. It’s not too important right now as I am still young and have many years to go to find the women who I can call a lover and a friend. Someone who has the same interests and viewpoint of life. Someone who you can have long talks with and never get bored with. That will have to wait till I get out of High School, I guess.
I have a lot of friends. I am a very calm, non-aggressive person. I get along with everyone, from that terribly anti-social kid who gets along with very few people, to those “popular jock preps” (the quotes mean I don’t actually consider them that, but someone else would) who chooses who they consider real human beings. I am just the kind of person who won’t judge, but will just go by how he is treated by the other person. This is the one thing I am proud of. I am friends with every “social order” that a school nowadays has. I have unknowingly placed myself in the rare position to where no one can really say what “social order” I belong to. This is because I don’t believe in social orders, and don’t want to belong to one. Some of my best friends are the types who others would call “preppy” and “stuck up”, but seeing as I know them very well, I know they aren’t. One of my best friends is a cheerleader, looks exactly like that stereotypical blond preppy cheerleader, but she is definitely not that. She is geeky and always partakes in me and my other friends usual perverted jokes. If someone didn’t know her, they would judge her as being stuck up, but if they did know her they would know she is the type who would be friends with anyone and not judge anyone. The same goes for the other spectrum of my friends, the ones who ended up being placed at “the bottom of the pecking order” by those who DO live by the “social grouping”. They seem anti-social and like “losers” but they aren’t. They are smarter than them, kinder than them, and much better at being a civilized person than them. They will get to prove that when the time comes, when they are the boss, and the pecking order is switched. This is what happens when you choose your friends based on the band wagons idealism. You live by a false stereotypical assumption of a certain group of people. This is why I chose to be an every man. Someone who does not judge and won’t discriminate. I used to be an aggressive and very sensitive kid (as some of you in the blogging world know, back in those Club Penguin days). I am embarrassed by how I acted, but I only did that because I was confused on how to act. Somewhere in between my 8th grade and Freshman year I realized my faulting, and decided to try and change, which turned me into this. I am, however, glad I went through all that. It meant I got all that social awkwardness shit out of the way before it mattered. I learned how to live before everyone else. All the kids at my High School are still going through the phase of not knowing what IS important, and what ISN”T. I know this because they get themselves set up in ridiculous drama, and focusing on the most immature things. They don’t know that you don’t have to live like an exclamation mark everyday. This is why I calmed down and decided to just go by my own way and not get involved with others. I decided that I should watch my own back, while helping others learn to watch their own. This sort of open-mindedness should make me the very opposite of happy, but it doesn’t, and that’s because I call bullshit on myself. I know I am just using this kind of smug, relaxed, dudish(‘the big lebowski’, in case you didn’t know) to cover the fact I am still just as immature in my head. I seem mature and settled on the outside, but I’m still a child on the inside. I judge myself everyday and always criticize myself when I criticize others. This inner hate is why I’m really getting into The Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd. The harshness of some of their music helps me feel how I truly feel. I hate everyone for hating everyone else for not being like everyone. I’m someone who gets along with everyone, while subtly feeling isolated from everyone.
That’s another thing. I’ve always felt different than everyone else. Like everyone is inside a glass box together, and I am outside the box watching the world go by inside. I get along with everyone, but I hate social gatherings and socializing in general. I love talking about subjects and being a part of deep meaningful conversation, but I hate ever having to socialize. I have never liked being the center of attention. This is also probably why I hate and love the internet at the same time. I hate how the internet has affected everyone, but I love how I can get so much information and never have to confront people to get it. If I need to know about a certain album or piece of literature, I can look it up at my own discrepancy. I do wish the internet, and computers in general, never came around, but I know that they are somewhat needed for EVERYTHING nowadays. If I was given the option to go and live in a secluded, lonesome, house somewhere in the great plains (preferably the ones by the Rockies so I have something to look at..) I would take it. I love the idea of never having to get in anyone’s way anymore, and no one ever disturbing me. How odd is that? A Romantic who doesn’t like to talk to people. I guess that’s because it would apply for everyone except for that one love I find who I could spend the rest of my life with. The one women who would understand me, if that women ever exists. 
Of course, this is all subject to change. I am 16 years old and still have a long ways to go before I fully understand who I am as a human being. I may change drastically, or I could stay the same. All I know is that right now I am a living breathing contradiction.
Someone who is smart, but too dumb to prove it.
Someone who can get along with anyone, but would rather never talk to anyone.
Someone who acts calm all the time, yet is a mess on the inside.
Someone who likes to be alone, yet loves the idea of love.
Someone who hates dickheads who write about themselves, but writes a post like this.
I am definitely a strange case, but hey, at least I can admit it, unlike the other motherfuckers out there who are bi-winning with tiger blood and all that shit.
while I’m at it,
america is full of a bunch of assholes who can decide what’s right and what’s wrong and who’s right and who’s wrong. We also like to stick our noses in others’ business.
We are a bunch of idiots for putting ourselves in the Middle East. Those people have been fighting for thousands of years, and they’re not gonna stop because a guy in a suit told them to.
Pop music has been, and will always be, shit..until music historians decide whether it was history changing or not.
No one has the right to tell others what they can or can’t do. (try to figure out the irony of this statement)
The Internet is not important. Facebook doubly so. So, stop making a big god damn deal about it.
Religion is there to help people survive, give them a sense of hope, and be there for them when they need it. So stop trying to prove them wrong, they can have it if they want.
Politics is bullshit.
I guess that’s why I like Anonymous Blogging. I can say anything I want and feel absolutely hunkey-dory about it. I would never say any of this publicly. I like to have a bit of mystery about my character.
Listening to John Lennon albums helped me write this. (“John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band” mostly)
